I’ll never understand why my father got you into drugs. I’ll never understand why those drugs seemed more important to you than I did. And i’ll never understand why you were never around. But most importantly, i’ll never understand why I pushed you away when what I wanted my whole life was to have the kind of relationship with you that I saw my friend’s have with their mother. I wish you could have been there for me as much as you would have liked to be, and I wish I had forgiven you when you tried to be the mother you thought I deserved. There are those days where I come to think that maybe I didn’t deserve you. I still remember everything I had said to you the last time we spoke, and i’d take it back in a heartbeat if I could. Unfortunately, what’s done is done. Regardless of the whole situation, you truly did, and still do, mean the most to me. It’s strange though, you’ve been popping up everywhere lately. Whether it being thoughts of you in my head, or randomly seeing you around somewhere; you’re there. I just don’t know whether to think of it as a good thing or bad thing. Welp, here goes another sleepless night. I miss you so much, momma. Rest in Peace.

This malevolence inside of me had reached its breaking point long ago. Anger is boiling over from all my failures I couldn’t control. It’s unbearable how I can’t breathe with the weight of your disapproval pounding on my ribcage. I need to be accepted by you. Beautiful failure, broken into pieces. I’m losing, I’ve been destroyed. I don’t believe in luck, but it gives me something to blame. False hope, and nowhere to look. I’m left with a story to tell, and a shattered glass heart.

And I hope you believed me when I told you, you were beautiful. ‘Cause I meant it, man.

My emotions are taking a toll on me. I’m just so fucking down. I feel like shit. I’ve been bawling myself to sleep every night. I’m so fucking upset all the time, and I hate it. I just hate this so much because I don’t want to be this way, I want to be a positive, strong person. But I fucking can’t. I just hurt and brake down all the time. I don’t know what to do anymore.

You’re a dumbass for going back to her. Have fun getting fucked over again, you clearly didn’t learn anything the first time.

I always feel like I annoy every person I talk to, so I try to keep to myself.

I feel heartbroken.

Long days and sleepless nights.

litenvampyr:

lettcomewhatmay is casually raping my blog.

yup

luv u bby<3 xoxo

litenvampyr asked: You look really fucked up in all your pictures now n days. rofl. js c:

I’m never really sober anymore.

to have your mother there for you. To take care of you. To raise you. To see you graduate. To watch you get married. To be there for your kids when you have them. To see how much you’ve grown up. To see you live. It just frustrates me that this is not something that will ever go away or get better. There will always be those ‘What if’s and those ‘I wonder’s. I don’t show it much, but when I see how close some of my friends are with their mother, it depresses the fuck out of me. I want that. I want that one person I always looked up to back. I want my best friend back. I know being sad all the time doesn’t help, but it’s hard not to be. I don’t even like looking in the mirror anymore because I see so much of her when I see myself. I just wonder how long it will be this hard, because I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of pretending to be happy. 

I love you, mommy. I miss you so much. 
<3 R.I.P.

And here we go again. You’re all I think about now. I’m happy we’re sorta talking again, but I don’t trust you. You’re further away now, and after what you did to me before, I have no reason to. But i’m always going to be the dumbass that falls for the cute shit you say to me. I just hope you mean it this time. But a lot can happen in seven months. I’m afraid that when the day comes for me to be with you, you will have already found someone else. Again.

Seems like I’m only happy when I’m high or drunk.